The Silence

After being at home for four consecutive days because I am sick, I decided to drag myself this afternoon and go for a walk around my house. Just to breathe for while and change the scene.

I live in a very dynamic area in Barcelona, full of older retired couples. I really enjoy sitting in one of the cafes in streets and listen to the conversations and dialogues of the couples. I smile to all of them and exchange the only few Catalan words I am able to say “bon dia”. Thinking in the back of my mind that one day I will be one of them… and would really appreciate a smile and natural recognition by a total stranger. I look at the older ladies, it amazes me how they take care of their looks, from the hair to the lipstick, the shawl, the borsch that matches the earnings, and the combs that hold those wonderful silver highlights. Last year, when I turned 30, I started using all sorts of those very expensive anti-wrinkles night and day creams. The truth is, I really despise getting old. I am afraid to have so many wrinkles. I will fight it as much as I can, yet, knowing I cannot beat mother nature.

After walking for 15 minutes, I got tired, given that I haven’t been able to eat for the past 4 days. I sat in one of the cafes near by and ordered some sparkling water. I sat by the window so I can enjoy the people walking in Avenida Gaudi and wouldn’t feel bored. I was also listening to music in my iPod. Next to me an older couple was sitting opposite to each other. They have just finished a snack. She was in her 70s, very well dressed, in a stylish dark purple full length coat, light pink blusher, pearl earrings and necklace. She wore 2 pearl combs on her silverfish whitish hair. The combs looked very original. He was a bit older than her. He was wearing a full length camel coat, with a brown hat. He was very busy drinking his coffee. I sat in that café for around an hour and 40 minutes. The couple didn’t say one word. Not even one word. She was sat there, holding her well manicured hands together on the table, with such a warm smile on her face all the time. She didn’t look at him all the time, not even one glance. While, he was drinking his coffee, then he went and bought another piece of cake and continued eating. Not even looking at her neither.

I am confused; I don’t know how to explain that silence. Are they so bored of each other that they became one ghost? Are they so tired of each other? Did they finish all their stories? Did they stop having anything in common? Are they an obligation to one another? Do they stay together just out of duty and image? Are they so comfortable with one another, that silence is their conversation? But why they didn't look into each others' eyes? The scariest idea for me is: are they dead while they are alive? Did they lose their soul and just living day after day?
The truth, I am scared, if this is the case of a couple’s life, wouldn’t be easier and more entertaining to live it on our own????? Why the society and our parents convince us that we should get married in order to share our life with the one we love???

I am torn apart between this saying: “There are times when silence has the loudest voice” and this: “Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.”

Which one is the case of that couple? What will be my case one day!!!! Yet I believe that we must express our feelings and thoughts all the time. We cannot be empty, cold and observing life… we were born to live this life…. Silence is good for the soul… but the soul mate has to agree with this.

Aurora

Life or Something like it

Since I moved here to Barcelona, I didn't have a moment for myself to write in my blog. Due to the new life, new work, friends, environment, and a new home. Yes I do feel home here. I love my new small attic, very warm and comfortable.

This morning I was thinking of the unexpected and unplanned change life can offer us. Last year my life seemed to be working according to a perfect plan, everything worked as it was supposed to be. The truth, I never thought that I would be on the other side of the planet, the plan was to move East... well... I moved from the East directly to the West... without the slightest idea of what would my life be.

To my surprise, I am feeling well here, I am maturer, happier, healthier and enjoy a great deal of peace of mind. Each morning, I seize my day with cheerfullness and apetite for life. I have learned a lot from the experience I went though last year with Tsunami. Time passes us with a blink of an eye, the moment we live will never come back again, therefore, I decided to make the best out of everyday I live.

As the Great Paulo Coelho says:
"We can sell our time, but we can’t buy it back again"

Live...as if there is no tomorrow.
Laugh... from the deepest point in your body... let tears of laughter roll down on your face
Dream... dare to dream the wildest dreams... the sky is your limit
Love... deeply from the bottum of your heart...
Give... all what you have, time, attention, money, love, care, knowledge...devotion
Accept... everything life has to offer you
Appreciate... even when you wake up by the bird singing in the morning on your window, and you really wished to sleep a bit longer...
Forget and forgive... you will feel lighter, nothing weighes heavier than grudges... feels like carrying mountains on your shoulders...

Now the question is : Am I following all what I said?? the truth, I am doing my best, it is a journey, but I feel happier so may be I am doing the right things... I know I will get there. After all I am only a Girl who wants to live her life to the fullest.

Aurora

The Chance

I am honestly a person who gave second and third chances to many people in my life, family members, friends, co workers and lovers. I do believe in second chances. We are all humans, we make mistakes, and we misjudge, miscommunicate and misinterpret many things all the time with different people.

Forgiveness is like Gold, it lasts forever… comes directly from the heart and can make everybody happy, content and proud.

I recently met a lovely lady, I will call her Imeon because this is her favorite name, she instantly became part of my life, and we perfectly connected. She is a good looking, smart and determined woman. Imeon and I have so many things in common, but what we strongly share is that both of us have dropt a whole life for the sake of love. It might seem to so many that it’s ok for a woman to abolish her life in order to be with the one she loves, but we are not in the beginning of the 19th century anymore; women and men are almost equal nowadays; of course I am talking here about professional equality, not social, we are still very behind in this area, regardless of what so many may claim, we are so prejudice with divorced single moms, even with single women in their 30s or 40s, we still think twice if we should hire a lady in her early 30s who has a boyfriend, in case she decides to get married and have children in the future, or a newly wedded woman, who might get pregnant. But when an accomplished woman decides to abolish her life for the sake of love, this is something so important to be considered. It is as if giving up your freedom and independence and accepting to go to jail voluntary, well we can consider it a sweet jail, but indeed… not at all times

Imeon used to be a well established lawyer in her city, decided to follow her heart and go with the flow… to live a real love story, an emotional adventure. We, the women, we all seek to live a true love story that would be crowned in the future with a nice wedding party and few children in the coming years. I am sorry if some women would pretend that they can or live differently, but deep inside of each one of us, we all want to become mothers and wedded wives, and regardless of our high professional rank or achievements… we are the womb of the Earth.

Imeon had a worse Tsunami than mine, ended up with emotional wounds. So she again lived in a luggage, left her country and started all over a new life, with hopes that this time she will succeed regardless the pain she has deep inside. Few months later, Imeon met Mikki, a handsome entrepreneur chef, who also had his share of pain and disappointment in love. They clicked, they found s resort of heaven in each other… for Imeon, whom her heart was shut, the sun of a new love started crawling slowly, drawing a lovely smile on her beautiful face, covering her with the warm feeling of love and being loved. For the second time in her life she decided to give in for the power of love. Imeon and Mikki decided to partner and have their own little restaurant, a place you feel love in every corner. Now, they have been together for 3 years. We were having one of those dinners that you won’t forget in your lifefew days ago, and they both were explaining to me that they have decided to get married, so I got all excited and started hugging them, but they both said, well not soon, when they will both be in their 60s, because marriage is not the beginning…. It is the destination… in the meantime… they want to enjoy the journey… and be grateful for having this second chance.

As per a good friend of mine, he said that we women intend to build our relationships on potential… I cannot but agree with you my dear friend… because if we weren’t so, no second or third chances would have ever been possible. … No love would have ever seen the light…

I am definitely inspired by Imeon and Mikki… being open to love and be loved… adventurous and willing to do your best for the sake of love… yet … when this happens … I urge you men (Adams) to appreciate it… never take it for granted… reciprocate it, respect it, be willing to give from your heart, and most importantly be committed even without the religious commitment… seize the journey….

Imeon, all what I would like to tell you that the essence of a woman’s power lays in her heart… although we went through terrible Tsunamis… our hearts remain as priceless as diamonds…waiting to be placed on the most giving and worthy crown.

Aurora

The Power

I am confused! When does a person decide to get rid of being self controlled?

We grow up in families, societies that impose on us certain values, beliefs, views about life, religion, sex, male, female, education, relationships, politics and many other things… basically almost everything. This is a form of control. I personally was raised up this way, with a room to think and argue what has been filtered to me.

I noticed that, the older I am getting the more liberal and free I am becoming, of course, exposure and education play a great deal on freeing the soul and unleashing the potential. Recently, I have been into so many discussions with some friends on how self controlled we are, although we claim to be so open and free but the truth we are not… actually we are very far. Last year, when I decided to drop my whole life for Tsunami, live an adventure although it was shockingly very painful, I believe that I over came all the odds of self control which I previously suffered from. What I mean here, is just be, live life, without any anticipation or planning. Of course, I used to be control and planning freak, but this wasn’t the case in my love life.

In love and massive attraction, we intend to worry; plan jump into conclusions. This even gets worse, at least for females, especially right after having sex. But honestly, why some men are acting this way too? If we the females are more emotional than men, why men are becoming emotions and feelings control freaks? As if- quoting a friend here- “we don’t want to get hurt”. If 2 people, a male and a female, met, liked each other, attracted to one another, can speak about anything in the World, have great sex, like almost the same things, and one little detail here, can sleep deeply and well when they are together. Why they would want to control and plan their feelings? Why they want to stop being natural and wear a mask, hide and pretend to be someone else??? In life you can control almost everything, but seriously we cannot control the heart… and the chemistry between 2 souls!!!! We can close our eyes on my many things in life, but we cannot close our hearts and souls… we just cannot. I fully disagree with idea that men has to master and control their passions… well men after all are human being too… why are we asking too much from them!!! Or in other words, why they should continue the act of self control… is it a secret of happiness or misery???

It is just so alright to let yourself go, to let your soul be… as long as you can get it back, you will get it back, but in a different shape, look, smell and color. Because, once we surrender to the other, we let go of our soul. We entrust our soul to somebody, some will feel that their soul is becoming richer day after day; their soul is more real and happier, more than ever. They would finally feel complete

Yet on the other hand, others will get back their souls, in a hard way, but still, their souls will grow and mature. Whatever the out come might be, we can never know unless we try. Of course our strength here is in how we react, in our attitude.

No one can live in fear of something bad might happen, this won’t be life, it is as if being dead while being alive… just be, live life to the max, fall and rise, hit the ground then bounce back… this is the secret of love… so unpredictable, unexplainable yet cannot live without it… many opportunities come and go in our lives, but unique opportunities are rare, what a waste if we let our self control and fears be the source of our power…we live once, women or men…

Aurora

The Model….

Lives have been lost while the Whole World is watching… I question myself, should we lose hope? Should we just accept that the World will never be fair with the Palestinians? Should we just sit and watch more Israeli massacres? Have we become immune and indifferent? Should we just add to Sabra and Shatilla, 1982 Beirut invasion, Kana and now Freedom Flotilla?

In my part of the World I believe we have become like a sponge, we are just soaking and not reacting. Even our reactions are irrational, our systems are deaf. We are swept away by dealing with the day to day burdens and challenges. The parents’ main concern is to provide food on the table. We have no direction, no vision, no belief in our identity, no faith that we can be engines of change… a change for a better tomorrow.

We are scattered, indifferent to each other, every group wants to be the leader, we ended up fighting, and working against one another. We pretend that all have the right, we all have a case, we all need to have a voice, and we all have a philosophy. We manipulate religion and emotions. We abuse our current circumstances for our own agendas.

No wonder why we never get the support we aspire or the empathy we deserve.

When I was 19 years old, one of my professors back in school was Israeli, of course he knew I was coming from the Middle East, he taught me a lifetime lesson… he said to me:” you know why we the Israelis are better than you the Arabs?” of course I was agitated by his approach, but I was so attentive and curious to know, I said: “why? I would love to know” I thought he would tell me because God created us as his Chosen Population on Earth, repeat what everybody knew. He surprised me with his answer, he said with a very calm smile, while looking at me straight in the eyes:
” because we work together as one, when we see one of us is succeeding, and going up the ladder of leadership, we all work so hard to support and push him/her further up, so we can all go up and be in better positions and conditions, while you as Arabs, once you see someone is being promoted and in a high leadership position, you all work against each other and against him/her, until you drag the leader down, so all of you stay in the bottom.” I was mesmerized by his metaphor, which to my sadness is very true. I looked at him and said:” I will be like you in my professional and personal life, I will apply this across all aspects of my life, and wherever I will be. Thanks for sharing with me your secret for success”

I cannot elaborate more, but it’s so ironic that the Arab countries cannot agree on one statement, we cannot take one united stand, even when we have a Golden opportunity, when Israel showed the World its true face.

All what I am hoping for us is to turn this incident to our benefit, and work together and not against each other.
We are in urgent need to be united and act as one, as the German proverb say:
” Necessity unites”

What are we waiting for: let’s apply the Israeli model now, with our families, friends, co-workers, seniors, leaders… let’s unite and support one another.


Aurora

Ich mag dich küssen

Ich mag dich küssen
This is what I have recently learnt in German, it means “I like kissing you”.

Indeed kissing –I mean here, French kissing- is such a fabulous human act. I am not really sure if humans are the only creatures who can kiss. May be some animals do kiss in their own why.

Kissing needs a decision to be made, a decision to surrender to the other person.
It changes the dynamics of any relationship between two people. Kissing becomes the only tool of communication when words fail to express feelings and emotions.
Those moments can take any relationship to a different level, building eternal memories. The first kiss is supposed to last with the person forever. We all remember with whom we had our first kiss, to whom we have showed our first intense feelings.

In the old history, it was believed that a kiss unites the two souls in one, because the spirit was said to be carried in one's breath. Poets and novelists wrote and still write about the intensity of kissing, there are countless chapters and verses describing one stolen kiss between two lovers.

One of the definitions of kissing is: “Kissing is a physical expression of deep affection or love between two people, in which the sensations of touch, taste, and smell are involved”. I believe that kissing is as enjoyable as sex- I know some would disagree with me, but of course referring here to great sex, not the kind of satisfying a desire only -there is a lot of meaning in kissing, yet sex is absolutely important for a healthy relationship, but it all starts with a kiss. Just like a good dance, you can tell from the very fist steps.

Back to the excellent German kisser; this Chinese quote sums it all up: “Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases” this is how I exactly feel.

I am not an expert on how relationships develop after sometime, I mean here long term relations; or relations that would last for more than 2 years…I really wonder if couples would still enjoy kissing each other? Do they feel the urge of wanting more kisses? Does a kiss cool a heated discussion? Does a kiss make up their day? Do they have any injuries from over kissing????

There are kisses which will stay with us, in our hearts forever. Just remembering those kisses, or living back in that moment fills our hearts with an indescribable feeling. A feeling of happiness; of ecstasy; of never wanting to leave that moment, you just want to be there forever, especially when you are deeply in love with person or you are extremely attracted to each other.

I must confess here, just not too long ago, I had the kiss that I have been waiting for so long…even though it caused a bit of funny complications, but the outcome was amazing because I do write Arabic poetry, and after that kiss, I have written 25 poems just describing that feeling…that real kiss.

If kissing is a human act… why don’t we enjoy this act to the maximum…

I always say that, sex, wine and chocolate are God’s blessings to human being…

I am also adding “Kissing” is the Greatest Blessing… of all…


Aurora

The Mission

When I was 25 years old, I had all what I truly have been dreaming of when I was growing up. I had a very well paid job with an important position at a very high level institute in Jordan, a brand new car, an LV bag, countless suits and shoes, travelled for pleasure at least once a year, In addition to lovely friends, and many strategic contacts all over the Globe. I basically had it all…

I grew up in a family were we all had to work hard; we believe that the harder you work the more life will give you, and the luckier you will become. That’s why I always worked so hard, as if I was in a race, or I was going to miss the train of opportunities and luck. Whenever I reached one of my goals, I set a higher goal, a more challenging one. I was under the impression that I am growing in the right direction,-quoting Tsunami here- “my happiness is just around the corner” I had everything, but I wasn’t happy…

Until one day, I was offered to work for an NGO in Amman that works on fighting hunger in Jordan. I was hired as head of fundraising. This NGO was a turning point in my life. We used to go to remote villages where people had nothing to eat; or the basic needs of life. I witnessed in my 2 eyes mothers sending their own children to orphanages because they cannot afford feeding them. I saw elderly sick men and women who are so weak, teenagers who lost hope in life or in any better conditions. This period of my life shocked me, shacked me from head to toe. I started to feel embarrassed to go to restaurants and pay money, thinking that 2 families will survive for 1 month at least with the amount I would pay. I stopped buying clothes…something deep inside me started to mature and face the reality of our unfair World….I took some steps backward to rethink and contemplate, what do I really want out of my life?

I matured a lot during that time, I started to feel the value of all what I have,the all the blessings around me. I became more giving,less selfish, less materialistic. It was then when I met my adopted son, who is the meaning of my whole existence, I am blessed for having him...he is the apple of my eye...my biggest supporter...

The same question was still on my mind…

Then, I met Tsunami, my whole life went upside down, I believed that I was giving up my life for the right reason, I thought that I was very unattached to everything around me, my career, my car, my friends, the social status I have. Honestly-everything. It was such a demanding relationship, I worked so hard all the time, made the choice of giving everything up.It felt like I was on the highest mountain peak, then jumped all of a sudden into the deep ocean…as if I was walking naked in the snow… I couldn’t move…by time,I have realized all what I have given up was for the wrong reasons…

Recently, I reached to a conclusion that it is true that I am learning to be less attached to materialistic things in my life, I also discovered that I can survive and make it work anywhere in the World, I am a very resourceful woman, but what I am trying to say here, is that I needed to be reminded of what is more important in life, what is more meaningful, what were my ulterior motives, in giving up things, when I was with Tsunami.
I didn’t do anything for a good cause or as a sacrifice, I wasn’t a victim. On the contrary, I was aware yet blinded by the fabulous fantasy which Tsunami has painted in my mind, he was great in nurturing it and making me even act upon it.

Nowadays, I am really feeling good; my life is simpler and worries-free zone, my health is better. Day and night I count my blessings, I am grateful to all the experiences I had gone through so far, because it certainly lightened my path, and surly will make my life journey more interesting. If I were able to give all what I have or will ever have to others, I wouldn’t mind and won’t hesitate, I will do it with a blink of an eye, because now that my motives are well defined, clear, purer and more human. I will always work hard, that’s my nature, this is how I was raised, but yet again, it will be for the right reasons…. I definitely needed this wake up call in my life, nothing should ever be taken for granted,I will not live forever… no one will, I was brought to this World to perform a mission… I am just hoping to be a real human mission…I am surrendering to life...


“Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do.” Gibran


Aurora

The Power

I was tagged on my facebook earlier today with a video of 2 male characters; one is trying to ask the other a question, the other kept asking him to repeat because he cannot understand the question. The process kept going for around 5 minutes. It’s amazing how the conversation of 2 lines escalated between the 2 men. It started with a very normal straight tone, ended up with massive physical attacks, shouting, and repeatedly saying the same 2 lines.

COMMUNICATION is the key word. This simple video made me contemplate about how far or near I am from being able to communicate my thoughts, opinion, desires, needs, sadness, love, frustrations or decisions. Although I work in the field of communications and PR, I believe that I am very good at my work and in this field whether in private or public sector, yet, to my surprise, I believe the best proof that I still need to work on myself in this area is failing to communicate with Tsunami.

Communication is a 2 way, it takes 2 to make it happen, not only that; open mindedness, focus, will and creativity are the basic ingredients for effective communication. Exactly like great sexual experience between a couple; connection, chemistry, creativity, readiness and focus, is the magic recipe for a fulfilling sexual act. In brief, “it takes 2 to tango”. I must admit here, I am really confused and may be troubled to identify the reason why a very happily sexually satisfied couple would fall in communicating their needs to each other. I have tried all sorts of communication tools and methods to make Tsunami understand my needs as an independent woman. If I were, as he always claimed, his soul mate, why wasn’t he acting accordingly, just at least out of love? But was he really listening? Did I really succeed in my communication? Why am I convinced that I have conveyed my messages? George Bernard Shaw said: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Such a great quote!

It is absolutely true, in any sort of relationship, it is really needed to be attentive to what is transmitted to you, but we are in World, where everybody wants to talk, everybody has something extremely important to say, without even listening first.

I also believe that communication needs power; you must be strong to speak up your mind. Reflecting on what was said, repeating it, is very useful too, so you may verify the message sent. Another important point, which I am learning to practice nowadays, is verifying my assumptions and interpretations. A true quote for Friedrich Nietzsche: “there are no facts only interpretations.” Therefore, it is honestly so crucial to check and re-check what the other is trying to tell you, a friend, family, lover, co-worker, senior… anybody and everywhere. I am getting there; now, I am trying as much as I can to verify my assumptions before I act. I believe I never did this during my intense relation with Tsunami, yet I guess he wasn’t even listening to me, or even worse, trying to clarify my assumptions and interpretations.

Since the beginning of time, communication has been vital among all the inhabitants of this Earth. We know and study old civilizations, history and cultures; because of what they left to us of communication tools… what are we going to leave for each other? What sort of feelings we want to remember and incarve in our hearts and minds? How we want to be studied and interrupted?

Personally, I am being more open, I listen more, I control my assumptions, verify them. And most importantly, I am making sure to cultivate myself to be a better communicator. I will only live once, really, there is room or time to pursue miscommunication. I want to live my life to the max in a human healthy way.

Indeed...Communication is one of a kind power...

“The obvious is that which is never seen until someone expresses it simply” Gibran


Aurora

The Redline

In the mid of 90s and particularly after declaring the Barcelona Process in 1995, a lot of efforts were geared to increase the interactions between the youth from both sides of the Mediterranean Sea- or the big lake; hosted and managed by the European Commission. I was a teenager then, I remember vividly when the French Ambassador came to my school, and spoke before us –the students- about the importance of intercultural exchange, as it enhances tolerance and understanding among nations, that we- the youth- have the responsibility to make our future a better one, since the foundation on Barcelona has been established.

Languages fascinate me, I always seek to learn new languages, and it frustrates me a lot to be in a country where I am not familiar with the language. Language is a beautiful human interaction. So, I was selected to be among other Jordanians to go on a youth exchange hosted by the Spanish Government, under the name of “Differences Unite Us”. It was indeed a great experience for me. I thought then I would go back to my own country and start spreading the concept of co-existence, especially among, Muslims, Christians and Jews. I grew up in a family where we truly have great respect to all religions, in addition, to the fact that Jordan is so unique in this regard, or at least, this is how it appeared to me.

Talking about religion and sex is such a taboo is my part of the World- A Redline- You would be regarded as a rude or gross person if you encourage such talks. Usually, and because we are trained not to debate, or investigate, we just carry what we have learnt at home and school;
Muslim men can marry four women, one can be a Christian. Muslim woman can only marry one man, and her life can be absolutely destroyed by our rigid society if she ever gets a divorce. In addition, she must be virgin. Christians on the other hand, regard Muslims-even silently- as inferiors, while Muslims believe that all Christians will go to hell. Such a shame, we claim to have an amazing inter faith dialogues and we co-exist yet, we stuff our children with all these stereotypes and lies. I had 2 long relationships with Christian foreign men, I have never felt that religion would be a barrier to continue being in the relationship, or even take it to another level of commitment, because I always believe that you don’t choose whom you fall in love with. We all have one God, who loves us dearly and surrounds us with million of blessings. Yet, recently, I am witnessing such a ridiculous movement in my own society, where Christians are getting more and more into each other and Muslims are closing doors of tolerance to our Christian brothers. How could we be open to other cultures, nations, and religions, if we in a small city are being discriminate? I have Christians friends who are like a family to me, but again, they cannot fall in love with a Muslim, whether a man or woman. It honestly breaks my heart to measure humans according to their religion. Religion nowadays is like a label. Because of our beliefs which we grew up with, we are giving the floor and the control to all extremists from all sides to highjack our own ONE GOD!

Don’t we have enough crisis and natural threats in this World to unite us? I am just too scared once I have a family and children, how am I going to protect them from this entire dilemma? I just want them to believe we all belong to One GOD! I want them to love and loved regardless or which side of the big lake they belong to, or which Holy book they were introduced to. It is really funny that we keep talking and talking about cultural integration, and that we must be open to new countries, while we are so closed and narrow minded in our own societies.

We just keep wearing masks… We keep pretending…

“Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.”

Aurora

Snowflakes

Would a day of everlasting smile come?
Would the shadows of love embrace an everlasting soul?
Would the soul of happiness shine and grow?

In a World-in a world of mistrust,
In a World where true love of life is like snowflakes
In a World where solitude reigns

For few moments reality disguised...
Painting a Monet piece of Art...

For few moments wonders of heaven
Stepped into my life … miraculously ...Vanishing
The daily scene…

Scenes of so-called Soul mate
Scenes of so-called life
Scenes of so-called you and you

Revolving World…
Dissolving World ….
Always - around you…
Always – about you…
You are The World…
My World…

Aurora

The Blanket

My friend Nora is a very accomplished lady. Smart, cute, educated and exposed.
She is specialist in her field. She is that kind of a woman that can stimulate your brain. I always seek her advice and sometimes I voice out my frustrations about different things in life. I like her a lot because she is very honest and straightforward. I always feel that she is genuine with her feelings and support.

Yesterday, I had a lovely chat with Nora. She too had a recent breakup after an intense 2 year relationship. We were exchanging our views on how and why deteriorations occur between couples. Nora said something that I want to share with everybody. She said that few months ago, she felt that her blanket of security with her Ex didn’t exist anymore. She described to me that she stopped trusting him, she stopped feeling that if she jumps from a roof, he won’t be there to catch her. I was mesmerized for the metaphor she used. It is so unique and true.

This is such a sad horrible feeling for a woman to have. Of course, I felt EXACTLY the same. Trust and security are the base for any relationship, whether with family, friends, or lovers. Confucius said: “Base yourself in loyalty and trust”.

In today’s World, actually particularly in this century, women are assuming major strategic leadership positions, it is said that the 21st century is the Women’s century. This is great achievement. I do believe that women are as equal as men in many things in life, we can do the same jobs, we can make more money than men, we are almost doing all professions. Yet, we are psychologically and physiologically different.
We were made by God this way. I am pro the idea that there is no glass ceiling for women. Unfortunately, because how women in leadership or other positions are acting, men started to believe that we are equal in everything. Still, the woman needs to feel sheltered by a man, this feeling of security is extremely important. Nora has put it in the most beautiful and eloquent description for a woman leader in her filed. We always need the blanket. We always need to feel that somebody will catch us if we fall. After all, we are only human beings… we are women; we were created from the men’s ribs!!!!

Having a human heart is not shameful. I really wonder when a woman loses trust and the feeling of security with her partner, what and how would her partner feel?
Especially that at the very beginning everything starts with a honeymoon

Nora, I agree, we all want “to love and be loved” feel secured and happy, yet, life is full of little blessings which we intend not to see. I am blessed by having you in my life, I am blessed by so many people and things around me, and I feel grateful all the time, I always want to give more from my heart.
Trust me; better be without any blanket rather than having a rotten fake blanket.

Remember Mr. President’s fourth rule: “don’t settle for less”

Be happy and count your blessings…

Aurora

How to reach so high?

It feels like I am building myself after the big Tsunami. As if I am designing a manmade island, I am making sure that there is a synergy and harmony in every aspect of me.

It is a great feeling when you know your strengths and weaknesses. I haven’t ever thought that I would turn to be a stronger woman after Tsunami. Sometimes we just meet people who will always pick on our defaults. For instance, I have always been a woman with a high temper; little things get on my nerves, leaving me angry and pissed off. Yet I am perfect in managing any serious crisis whether at home, work or with friends. I am able to handle big issues better than little teeny weeny things.

However, it seems that this is the human nature; we intend to look at the empty half of a good bottle of wine. I am a bit confused here because I usually look at the person whether a lover or a friend as a whole, I cannot pick and choose qualities I like, and keep pointing on the qualities that I cannot like. Our personalities are made over years; it is accumulations of all our experiences, values and beliefs which were given to us by our societies and families.

Tsunami used to always pick on my high temper, he was able to acknowledge it, but unfortunately never been able to deal with it. My dad- God Bless His Soul- taught me a lifetime lesson, he told me: “You can never change a person, if the person is 43 years old, it will take you another 43 years to change him, so you might think that it is better to accept people as they are, and try to adapt to the things that you don’t necessarily like, so you can have fun in life and not be miserable” I did as per my dad’s advice. I honestly did, and I always do whether with family or friends, and with Tsunami, I believe, my adaptation was beyond my own expectations, when I look back now, it was like bending over. Yet, he never stopped of reminding me of my defaults, and never remembering any of my strengths or qualities.

It has been now 2 months and I am working on “regulating my emotions”, it feels really great as I said before, to know your weaknesses, acknowledging that you have weaknesses is absolutely an achievement. I am calmer, happier and I feel that I am wiser and stronger. I can feel my inner core. I have been reading Confucius for the past few weeks, and he says that if someone wants to feel the inner peace and live in harmony, we need to, first; acknowledge and be aware of our weaknesses. I am so glad for the fact that I am on the right track. Confucius also said, it is important to adapt and accept people the way they are, without any attempts of changing the things that are not as we like. We need to see people through our hearts and souls, not through our own filters. Our hearts and souls need to be open.

I have learnt a lot fromthis experience, I am still learning a lot about myself and life, my qualities which should be acknowledged and my weaknesses that I am working on, yet most importantly, I am opening my heart and my soul to see things clearer, be less judgemental and more human.

I must confess, that Mr. President has this massive impact on me, he definitely reminded me of all my good qualities as a woman.He sees things through his Golden heart, and touches the soul so deeply.

Confucius said:” Our eyes see too much of the word, and too little of the heart and soul”

Aurora

His Excellency... Mr. President

We meet people from all walks of life, from different backgrounds, color, religion, political views. Each have a dream, an aspiration, each have his/her own little secrets, their own hidden Worlds, their love stories, their hurts, pains, achievements and successes. We differ in how we set our boundaries, how we build bridges or walls. We end up with a World that is only ours… Our Universe …our comfort zone, our safe shelter.

Two years ago, I dreamt of getting to know the World of His Excellency Mr. President. I can even call it, the Universe of Mr. President.

We met by chance through a common work friend, who called me informing that Mr. President will be in Jordan and asking me nicely if I could take him out for dinner. Previously, I had interacted with His Excellency on the phone.
He sounded very helpful and professional.

It was Ramadan, I wasn’t sure where I should take His Excellency! So I checked if he didn’t mind to go for Iftar. The good thing he had lived in the Middle East for quite sometime, so he was familiar with our culture.

6:30 pm … I was waiting in front of a 5 start hotel in Amman, waiting to take a guy whom I didn’t know to an Iftar. My expectations were…well… it is another business iftar that I have to do, nothing would be so special, but anyway I needed to thank the man for helping me out in my work.

There I was, in my car, waiting, a blond man with very sharp and shinning blue eyes, wearing a very stylish white shirt, with beige pants showed up and enterned my car. He said: Hello, I am “Mr. President, thanks for picking me up” … with a very distinguished voice, and an accent that I am not very acquainted with.

I was behind the steering, honestly, didn’t know which foot shall I use so I can drive the car! I felt like… my two legs were numbed and cold. Finally, I got my act together. We drove to a nice restaurant in the old part of Amman; thank God it was his first time to that place, so I was a bit more relaxed...

After few hours, I drove Mr. President back to his hotel at 00:20. Unfortunately Time passed so fast…

He kissed me on the cheeks, thanked for the night, and stepped out of the car..
I thought… will I ever see him again…..

Mr. President…, since I am at this stage of my life where I am trying to rediscover myself, I need to confess the following:

You are so unique; you are one of a kind man. You must be the President of the World…because of the wonderful warm human heart you have.
You carry everybody’s troubles and issues on your shoulders. You are naturally the center of attention wherever you are and no matter among who you would be.
You are funny,yet serious at the same time.
You amaze me because no one can ever get bored with you. You are like Pandora’s Box… very unexpected…there is always something novel and enriching coming out of you…but you are so humble and down to earth.

You have a heart of Gold crowned with a Diamond brain. It is so hard to describe your way of thinking, acting or how you make other feel about themselves.
You are such a selfless man; you never think of yourself, you are generous, considerate and real.
Forgive my simple humble language because it is failing me to describe you with the most appropriate words. My thoughts are coming straight from my heart.

Mr. President, I won’t get in the details of our encounters, cause I want to keep it in my heart… it nurtures me as a woman…I won’t apologize for anything, all I want.. for you is to live forever, and ever more… The World needs you…

I haven’t ever been in my entire unusual exciting life… and for two years under such an attraction towards anyone… but as it said: There is always a first time…

Thank you for showing me lately part of your life… it meant a lot to me… my dream to get to know your World came true…I know that if I am ever in need… You will be there for me. I have no doubts.

We live miles and miles apart…but your impact on me as a woman and as human being is eternal…so I thank you

I will always care so much...no matter what happens…

Please live forever…

Aurora

The Will...

Yesterday, I attended the official opening of Jordan Media Institute, a new center which aims to raise the bar of journalism in the Arab World. A region, were journalists are not allowed to tell the truth, to challenge governments and spread the right to know to the Arab nations. With all these constrains, a visionary, one smart woman, with a strong will and experience decided to establish this center in Jordan.

I am lucky enough to have lots of good friends who work for Jordan Media Institute, I have witnessed the obstacles that they faced, and how with their insightful leadership were able to turn these challenges into opportunities. The atmosphere of the event was full of positive vibes; everybody was so happy and proud.
It is a vivid example for “when there is a will, passion and love, there is a way”

Could this be applied on relationships? Could only WILL and PASSION bring two people together forever? Could it be like a project plan?

Well, last June, Tsunami and I (when we still honeymooners) have put together a perfect project plan for the coming 6 months then. We have examined all the details, millstones for every week, roles and responsiblies for each with a defined timeline.
You can imagine when 2 brains (in love), one is an engineer and the other is a strategic planner come together… Miracles can for sure happen…

I am not sure what Tsunami’s driver was, but for me, it was the most exciting project I worked on. Everyday, I would spend hours and hours looking for jobs outside Jordan, contacts, calls, meetings, appointments, tax laws and regulations, background information for interviews… simply… I was on a mission, with a very limited time.

My actions were based on PURE LOVE, because in my opinion, when you love somebody or something, you must turn impossibilities into possibilities. You must prove to the one you love, by actions not sweet talks, that he means the World to you.
Love is not a feeling… it is an actual action; it is a commitment to nurture the other’s needs, make life more interesting and fun. Love is growing together in the relationship; and achieve your aspirations. Basically, just like Jordan Media Institute, to let passion and love lead the way, because only then miracles can really happen.

I have had enough of the sweet talks and the charming smiles… I needed to feel that we were a team. I needed to feel that when I am weak, my partner would take over, and continue in the same direction. I wasn’t as strong and tough as JMI team, I got tired and weak during the process, which can be described as a very unstable process, with many variations, the down hills for me as a woman were more the up hills. I believed then, that my other half, or “as we used to call ourselves”-my soul mate, would be a bit patient, supportive, motivator, and most importantly committed to the fancy he drew with his own hand… the end result of the long journey, the fruit of our hard work.
BUT… I was left alone in the darkness, not knowing where I am or what direction I should take. It is funny… all the words of love have become ash, ash that went away with the wind. The dream vanished like a summer cloud….

I still believe that: ‘You cannot cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water”

Life is all about taking risks… I salute you JMI team. You’ve taken the risks, you bonded along the way… it is the best love story… you have crossed the sea…

I see an ocean in front of me … I will cross it once I am stronger…

Aurora

The Question...

Tsunami and I had a wonderful 2 months honeymoon. It was like a fairytale, by all means, we couldn’t be away from each other. We would spend hours and hours talking, kissing, touching, tasting each other, drinking wine, making love over and over again.
The massive attraction that we had (and I believe we still do) was amazing and really uncontrollable.

I felt that Tsunami really understands me; he knew how I like to be touched, kissed, looked at… sometimes we would just be staring at each other without any word, yet it felt that we were in continuous conversation. This feeling of just being yourself; happy without any reason to be happy, just enjoying the moments that we are together, whether under the sheets, or just having our usual lunch or dinner at Bistro One, honestly, our eyes and hearts were communicating all the time.

Those 2 months, I felt protected and secured. It is true when it said that a woman was taken out of the man, not of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot, but out of his side to be equal, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved. Tsunami was able to give me this kind of indescribable feeling.

Do men really know what women want?????? Why relationships start with a great honeymoon and eventually this love in the air period disappears? Why you reach to the moon then all of sudden you go down below the ground???

Reality bites… both sides put the blame on each other; neither wants to be responsible of the deteriorations. Tsunami and I were so much in love, excited about one another, but along the way, our fights and arguments were increasing. That feeling of protection and security was vanishing day after day. No matter how many times I have tried to communicate my needs.

All I would like to say for men. Please do have an active listening ear. Women intend and in so many ways to convey their frustrations and needs. Yet when men do take their partners for granted, conflicts become greater day after day.

If I were able now to discuss with Tsunami how I used to feel, and how he has contributed to end our marvelous honeymoon. I wish I can tell him that I still love him deeply, I long for him day and night. I miss every bit of him. I miss talking to him, touching him. I remember how his body feels, how his smell makes me go crazy. I miss his voice, eyes and everything in him…

Yet the question is, does Tsunami know what a woman like me needs?

Aurora

The Advice...

I have decided to change the name of Protokletos, because so many have sent me asking what does the name mean; I cannot reveal the identity of this man, so I thought that the best name that suits him is: Mr. President. (In few days I will let you know why)

Too often we underestimate, in fact, forget the power of a real smile, an honest compliment, a human touch, a certain look we get, a listening ear. We intend to believe that care and compassion are a done deal things… things we have taken for granted, whether with our friends, families, partners, co-workers, bosses, and lovers. As if it has become our right which we earned effortlessly.

I personally wonder what is the average time we spend on making others happy, do we really think of making others happy? Is it part of our human nature? Does it really matter? Does add anything to our lives? Does it make us feel good? Do we really care if the people around us are really happy or we choose not to think of this question? Because we are so busy and at the end of the day… life has to go on…

Recently, and as I mentioned before, I am on a mission to rediscover my life. I am using various methods; holistic healing, therapy, books, articles, tests, talking to family, friends… anyway; it is a long process, which I am determined to go through. But what is confusing me the most is the issue of being caring, kind and compassion. I honestly don’t know how being caring and kind can be an issue in a relationship. The other thing that is confusing me too; Am I being this way because this is my nature and I do feel responsible for everybody, or do I truly expect the others to appreciate that?

Lately, Mr. President advised me on how I should be as woman, since according to him, I am smart, beautiful and intellectual, yet I must work on the following points:

First: I shouldn’t be too caring; everybody can take care of themselves
Second: I shouldn’t be too nice, kind and polite
Third: I have to give men in my life some hard time
Fourth: I shouldn’t settle for less
Fifth: I have to set my boundaries

I don’t see a problem with the third, fourth and fifth points, it is true, I must work harder. Yet I cannot deal with first 2 points. I really don’t know how to stop myself from being caring to others, especially those who mean a lot to me, whom I feel happy when they are happy. I feel great when I can make their life much easier. When I am there for them and they can count on me. However, I do agree with Mr. President, because the first 2 points lead to the other 3 points, and the best example on that is my recent relationship with Tsunami.
When I met Tsunami, he was such a miserable sexy man. I felt like I want to change the whole World him, just to make him happy, my compassion was in control, when I used to succeed to surprise him and draw a smile on his face, I used to be on cloud number 9. Since Tsunami decided to walkout of his marriage, I deployed my mind, heart and soul at his service. I couldn’t be but caring, kind and loving… but all that led to be taken for granted, to never ever be a priority whether in his life or mine, to neglect my needs as a woman. Unfortunately, Tsunami forgot that I am only a caring woman, who needed a loving heart… a heart that can appreciate my kindness and compassion.

Mr. President, you are right, and you are The Master in making a woman feels like a true woman in every moment.

I will try next time to set my boundaries and not to settle for less…


I love this quote by the Dalai Lama:” If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion”

Aurora

The Sunglasses

We do have the ability to choose; we choose when to wake up, how to dress, we choose where to go, what to eat, what to work, whom to hang out with, we choose our friends, job, favorite music…what to believe in? We basically can choose the life we want to live.

But, we can never choose whom we fall in love with… we have no control on this… The heart is the ruler in this case…The heart has the final say..

My prayer was answered… Tsunami...texted me…I was beyond delighted… we managed to meet up after 2 days for a drink…

I am sure we all had a moment in life where we wish time would stop…that this moment would last forever… I was all over the place, didn’t know, shall I focus on his gorgeous eyes, or smile, hands… he has very attractive fingers indeed.. .I was watching his lips while he was sipping his beer…

My heartbeats were happy… I couldn’t control my mouth… I was all the time smiling… I felt like I was looking, in fact, staring at a beautiful art work… you just want to keep looking… I didn’t want to blink… it is like you see the drawing you always dreamt of and wished to see but cannot touch…cannot lay your hands on it…I cannot recall out conversation then very well… but I remember that I just wanted to tell him… could you please shut up and kiss me…..

Why can't we forget certain moments in life? The more I am persisting to forget these moments, the more alive they are becoming in my mind…it is true...The more we persist, more resistance we get…

I took Tsunami after the drinks for a drive… I played a beautiful song that my lovely boss had given it to me. I was wondering for 20 minutes in the streets of Amman while talking about so many things. All what was on my head… is he going to ask me out? Does he really feel how attracted I am to him? Can he notice that I am not focused at all? Many questions were popping in my head… what the hell am I really doing with Tsunami… he is married!!!
Am I really allowing a married man to come into my life??? This is a red line for me…so I decided it to drive him back to his car… then tell him; you know it was nice seeing you, but honestly I am not the type of a woman who can date a married man… even if he is going to separate… then thank him for the drinks, and just leave…then have more wine back at home..

I parked the car… he thanked me for the night, then said you know if we were not in the street, I would kiss you… it was the perfect moment to tell him; you know, I cannot see you again… well… taking into consideration that my heart was the ruler of the night, I said: well there is nobody here… you can kiss me…closed my eyes and leaned towards him…

I will at a certain point explain thoroughly the Art of Kissing in the Tsunamis Way…

We agreed to meet up next day for lunch… I arrived at a very nice café in the old part of Amman... looked everywhere… searched for him… I thought, well he will not show up, even better… I am sure he has changed his mind…

He called me and said…you are at the terrace now, look in front of you… you see a man in a dark navy blue suit… wearing sunglasses…

Well my heart didn’t recognize him!!! it was all because of the sunglasses...

Aurora

May...

Usually May is a very nice calming month in Amman, we call it May rose, lots of roses everywhere,the weather is warm, lovely fresh breeze, green grass, trees blossom… it is the best time to go to the Dead Sea too, to rejuvenate the dead skin after the dry cold winter.

I love May; something in air makes me happy, optimistic… I always feel light, at peace and grateful… positive vibes are everywhere.May, for me is the promising month… the month of sunny days…the month of new life... new beginnings..

I believe that life is all about moments… it only takes moments to like or dislike something, it only takes moments to lose somebody forever.. Moments to be angry, moments to hurt somebody, and moments to make someone happy…in moments.. Miracles happen. With a blink of an eye, you lose control … it takes only moments to surrender to the higher power…Only few moments changed the course of my life..

I fell for you the moment you said hello, your magnetic eyes were staring at my heart… not at me. I felt that deep unbelievable connection in a matter of moments…
Last May… when I met you, I was like a rock. It felt like, nothing can move me, not even one inch... I always picture you like a Tsunami… you didn’t only move the rock; you actually turned it upside down…

Protokletos was the subject of our first talk… he asked me… “Do you love him?” of course didn’t know then, even now I don’t know… all I know, for almost 2 years, I am under a massive fondness of his brain.. and utterly striking personality…

Last May, I honestly couldn’t expect the new life I am embarking on…his charming smile, left me dying for wanting more, wishing for a miracle to happen and change the now… so I was in the middle of enjoying my favorite month, while trying to cope with a killing charming smile… and on the other hand.. cannot get over the “Utterly striking Personality”

Tsunami was stronger than I imagined, extremely convincing, charming, and knew exactly what will happen if we will be left for 1 second alone…the attraction was beyond description… beyond imagination.. I remember that I prayed that night I met him… to be able to spend one night with him… only one night... of course, a woman like me (or how I used to be) will know exactly how to make wishes come true…How to create moments of indulgence…
I was determined to hit Tsunami before… he hits me…as per his famous saying: ‘it takes 2 to tango” …It was May, my favorite month, I felt challenged, attracted and I love to tango… so all what was needed is the music…who can resist a Charming Smile…

Aurora

A Moment of Truth…

Recently and after the Tsunami that hit my life back in March, I have decided to go on a trip to Singapore. I have a friend who lives and works there. This friend is one in a million…There is only ONE like him.
At a certain point, I will share the whole story of my friend, Protokletos… I will call him Protokletos…

I had a lot time to think and breathe, and for the first time in months, I was able to take a very deep breath. I felt every inch of my body. I felt that I am really touching my own soul, my own human existence. My tears would roll down just for the fact, I was finally being able to breathe… to hear my normal heartbeats…I spent a lot of moments thinking of Tsunami, and how bad he has hit my life, I thought a lot of what were my reasons and motives to have been with Tsunami? Tsunami knocked me off… without any previous alerts… Tsunami imposed himself in my life… his charming smile… of course he was more than welcomed… with open arms…a woman like me, who was in a state of searching for what she couldn’t reach… for what couldn’t be hers.

In the Botanic Gardens, I questioned myself…Was it really love? Was it only attraction and infatuation? Was it the determined woman in me? Was it an exist of my own life? Was it the connection, the chemistry? Was it a project I didn’t want to fail? Was it the fear of not being loved again? was I trying to prove something to somebody…. Far away? Was it the physical resemblance?

We, in my part of the World intend to never face ourselves. We are masters in wearing masks, colorful, beautiful and entertaining masks… we put the blame on everybody else except us. We are perfect, complete… we are Divine.

I am now on a journey to discover what has really happened to my life, before, with and after Tsunami… why Protokletos? , but first, I have put down the masks, I have taken off all the layers covering my mind and body, but most importantly, I am taking off what is really covering my soul. This is my moment of truth.

Aurora