The Victim

I am no victim. Today was a beautiful sunny day in Barcelona. The sky was super bright with few clouds and the sun shines through those amazing white clouds. I woke up feeling like the whole universe is on my 2 tiny shoulders. Tired, sad and above all feeling that this life is tasteless. Took my long morning shower, got dressed and tried to wear some make up so I can at least feel a bit better when I look at the mirror. Browny and I went for our daily walk, in the same streets, the same trees, and the same yellow leaves. I tried to take a deep breath while walking, may be this weird huge rock on my shoulders can get lighter, may be this rock on my chest can fly away a bit and give the chance to breathe. No success. All I am going through is because of the choices I have made. It was my decision to move to Barcelona 3 years ago and start a life from scratch. It was my decision to choose the relationships I have been in or still in. It was my decision to leave a much secured job, take a risk and start my own agency. It was my decision to leave my family, friends and my life back home. A secured life. I am missing them day and night. Sometimes, at night I fall asleep because of the long long hours of crying alone, crawling in my bed, scared of the unknown, missing my mum´s smile and touch. In the morning...when I wake up....I can barely open my eyes. I am no victim. I confess and admit that I am no victim. I have brought all this to myself. I am the one who decided to be in a dead end relationship. I am the one who decided to fall for a shadow of a man ....whom I never had, and never been mine. I am no victim. I am the one who decides to stay at home every weekend, writing proposals, cooking alone, drinking alone. Thinking that I am protecting myself from, more pain, acting like a committed woman. I am the one who is limiting herself to a small circle of social life, while I have the whole World in front of me, and within my 2 hands. I am the one who´s closing the door for any potential relationship, because, as a fool, thinking that I have tasted heaven, why would I settle for the 7th sky. Imagining that one day, my dream will come true. As all those theories, saying that if you believe in your dream, strongly enough, it will come true. I am no victim I chose the wrong dream, and the wrong hero for this dream. I have imprisoned myself in this absolutely draining dream for so long. I am no victim I am the one who´s turning 33 years in few days, feeling as if I am 66 years of old. I am no victim For putting myself out there to be a doormat, for anyone who wants to hurt me and cause me pain. I am no victim For choosing the wrong battles, for hurting myself, my soul and my heart for nothing. I am no victim, I am aware of all my wrong decisions, choices and actions. Yet, I will not forgive myself for prolonging this pain, for continuing to be a cowered and not pulling my life back together. I will not forgive myself for not stopping this addiction called you. I will not forgive myself for not destroying your image from my heart, mind and soul. You are like a poison, addictive poison, I know it will eventually kill me, and I keep drinking you. In no time, I will rise again; I will stand up on 2 feet as I always did. As a great Brazilian friend of mine, once said: stand up, shake it up, and keep going forward Today, I will pull back the ropes of my life again,put my head up, and keep going forward, I am no victim, never been, and will do my best to open my arms wide enough to embrace this bless called life… Without living in the shadow of your love. Aurora