The Victim

I am no victim. Today was a beautiful sunny day in Barcelona. The sky was super bright with few clouds and the sun shines through those amazing white clouds. I woke up feeling like the whole universe is on my 2 tiny shoulders. Tired, sad and above all feeling that this life is tasteless. Took my long morning shower, got dressed and tried to wear some make up so I can at least feel a bit better when I look at the mirror. Browny and I went for our daily walk, in the same streets, the same trees, and the same yellow leaves. I tried to take a deep breath while walking, may be this weird huge rock on my shoulders can get lighter, may be this rock on my chest can fly away a bit and give the chance to breathe. No success. All I am going through is because of the choices I have made. It was my decision to move to Barcelona 3 years ago and start a life from scratch. It was my decision to choose the relationships I have been in or still in. It was my decision to leave a much secured job, take a risk and start my own agency. It was my decision to leave my family, friends and my life back home. A secured life. I am missing them day and night. Sometimes, at night I fall asleep because of the long long hours of crying alone, crawling in my bed, scared of the unknown, missing my mum´s smile and touch. In the morning...when I wake up....I can barely open my eyes. I am no victim. I confess and admit that I am no victim. I have brought all this to myself. I am the one who decided to be in a dead end relationship. I am the one who decided to fall for a shadow of a man ....whom I never had, and never been mine. I am no victim. I am the one who decides to stay at home every weekend, writing proposals, cooking alone, drinking alone. Thinking that I am protecting myself from, more pain, acting like a committed woman. I am the one who is limiting herself to a small circle of social life, while I have the whole World in front of me, and within my 2 hands. I am the one who´s closing the door for any potential relationship, because, as a fool, thinking that I have tasted heaven, why would I settle for the 7th sky. Imagining that one day, my dream will come true. As all those theories, saying that if you believe in your dream, strongly enough, it will come true. I am no victim I chose the wrong dream, and the wrong hero for this dream. I have imprisoned myself in this absolutely draining dream for so long. I am no victim I am the one who´s turning 33 years in few days, feeling as if I am 66 years of old. I am no victim For putting myself out there to be a doormat, for anyone who wants to hurt me and cause me pain. I am no victim For choosing the wrong battles, for hurting myself, my soul and my heart for nothing. I am no victim, I am aware of all my wrong decisions, choices and actions. Yet, I will not forgive myself for prolonging this pain, for continuing to be a cowered and not pulling my life back together. I will not forgive myself for not stopping this addiction called you. I will not forgive myself for not destroying your image from my heart, mind and soul. You are like a poison, addictive poison, I know it will eventually kill me, and I keep drinking you. In no time, I will rise again; I will stand up on 2 feet as I always did. As a great Brazilian friend of mine, once said: stand up, shake it up, and keep going forward Today, I will pull back the ropes of my life again,put my head up, and keep going forward, I am no victim, never been, and will do my best to open my arms wide enough to embrace this bless called life… Without living in the shadow of your love. Aurora

The Farewell

My Dearest UfM Family, 2 years and 4 months ago, I arrived to Barcelona to continue my studies and start a new life. Unexpectedly, I got a job with the UfM. I was the 3rd person to arrive after Kamal and Alaa. The challenge was overwhelming but rewarding to have been able to participate in setting up a new organization in this beautiful and lovely City of Barcelona. 2 years have passed like a blink of an eye, I have enjoyed it, lived it, felt it, loved it and grew with it. Every little step forward seemed to me like a mile of achievement. Lots of memories that I will cherish in my heart forever. In 2 years, the UfMs has become my friend, my partner, my family, my home and the centre of my life. But, change is the only constant thing in life, it is time for me to try to pursue my dreams and learn more. 22 of June will be my last working day in the UfMs, but it will not be my last day with all the great wonderful people I have met here. These friendships I will keep it for life. I have been really fortunate, privileged and honoured to have worked with each and everyone of you in the different positions I have held. I learnt a lot, each one of you added something to me. Writing this is extremely hard for me, it feels like I detaching myself from myself. The UfMs will grow and flourish with your belief, determination and commitment, I imagine that one day I will be watching the TV and will see the inauguration of the desalination station in Gaza, and I will say with all pride that I have been in this amazing UfMs one day. Allow me to thank you all for everything, basically for making these 2 years worthwhile, for your time, patience, support, leadership, and for helping me out all the time. I will miss the UfMs a lot, I will miss you so much but I am sure that our paths will cross again soon, and rest assured that you all have a little house here in Barcelona and in Jordan, always welcomed with widely opened arms. Best of luck to all of you, Aurora

The Soraya

“Leaders don’t create followers, they create leaders”. Few days ago I read this sentence on one of my friend’s Facebook wall. We read a lot of inspirational quotes on daily basis, we relate to some, disagree with others. Some quotes make us cry; others smile, think, hope or wish, but the most important thing whether we apply what we learn from these quotes in our day to day life. 2 days ago I went with my inspiring and charming boss to the WEF summit in Istanbul, this prestigious forum that gathers almost all the World leaders from the different walks of life. May be this is my 10th year in these summits, and every year I learn many things, I meet new people, and I reconnect with others. Yesterday, I remembered back in 2003 when Jordan hosted its first MENA WEF Summit in the Dead Sea, we didn’t even have a convention center there, yet His Majesty King Abdullah made it clear to his administration that it must happen. Luckily enough, I had the opportunity to work with 2 amazing Jordanian Ministers then; I won’t mention their names, they were not only Ministers, they are 2 true leaders, because their whole team was empowered, was able to make decisions during very hard moments. The initiative of any member was appreciated and taken seriously, of course if it made sense. They gave us ownership, so all of us we felt responsible and they succeeded to bring the best out of us. I saw how those 2 leaders used to help one another; fight to put an exciting session on the program, lobby to bring the name of Jordan everywhere possible. I learnt that when you are in the field, in action, you must forget yourself, forget your ego, and deploy yourself to what brings the most for our beloved country, Jordan. I learnt that connecting people is essential, it empowers oneself and others. I learnt that if you don’t use common sense to make use the best the opportunity, it won’t come again. I learnt that if you don’t follow up, your efforts are useless and people will forget you in less than 2 days. Yesterday, and for the first time in my life, I felt ashamed of being Jordanian, yet in the meantime I felt I am the proudest Jordanian on Earth. One of our so called –young, dynamic and key- ministers was in Istanbul. I was observing the way he was interacting with the people- extremely embarrassing indeed. The show he has put was beyond fake, beyond reflecting himself rather what this little but great country Jordan is all about. His Excellency the Minister, a former diplomat stood in a funny way while speaking to the World Leaders. I was wondering if he was ever a diplomat, since he lacks the basic decorum. His Excelleny missed meetings, because he was too busy smoking a cigar in the hotel lounge, may be he was able to close the Jordanian budget deficit on his blackberry, as he was beyond attached to his BB. While a minister from another Arab country was very humble, he started his meetings at 08:30, and at 21:00 I saw him, still in the same place, meeting some businessmen. You can tell, the man was on a mission. The man respected the trust that His King has granted him. Simply the man loves serving his country. Then I met Soraya, my fellow Jordanian, her dedication to Jordan, to her mission, to the Arab youth filled the whole place. Her eyes shine when she speaks about the success stories of Jordan. She was on the run; from one meeting to another, non-stop, she didn’t save an effort for 2 days, to bring more people on board of her project. Soraya, my fellow Jordanian (as she calls me), made me breath again yesterday, I felt some peace in my heart, for Thank God, some people like Soraya still exist. Still fight to make Jordan First. Today, I just want to say to His Excelleny, to watch out, the title never makes a man, yet the man makes the title. From 800$ billion aids to Jordan, we have just received 18$ million. Our Prime Minister, last week declared that the economic situation is falling apart. Basically, Your Excellency, I only wished to see you in action during the past 2 days, to take off your Armani suit of ego and to remember that your salary is paid from our taxes, that His Majesty entrusted you, and no one will take (His Excelleny) title anywhere, so please just try to do your job, or do some job shadowing to your peer in the other Arab country, you can learn a lot, yet above all love Jordan. BA, FUZ (as you like to be called), Soraya, thank you for existing, keep shining on us because you have given a lot to Jordan and to us. I dedicate this for you…you are real leaders…. You are creating true leaders…indeed keep giving us the push…to believe.